Unnerving My Nervous Habits

Posted: October 14, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

nailbitingFor as long as I can remember, I’ve bitten my nails. I never really gave it much thought – it was such an ingrained habit in me. But lately, some things have changed in my life that has, oddly enough, caused me to stop biting my nails.

I’ve always had some type of “tell” when I’m stressed or anxious. I’ve always called it my “A.D.D.” acting up. But, it didn’t make much sense to call it that when I was calmly (so I thought) sitting on the couch, watching television and my husband would look over and say “Your leg is twitching, again. What are you nervous about now?” I’d pull myself away from whatever I was watching, look down at my twitching leg and wonder, “Oh, yeah, guess it is moving.” My husband got so used to this constant twitching, he would notice it long before I ever was aware I was doing it. The nail-biting wasn’t all that obvious, however.

Outwardly, I rarely appear stressed or worried. In fact, some would call me “amazingly calm acting most of the time.” I was always happy to get my blood pressure taken and find out it registered “just above comatose”. I figured that was a good thing, right?

But, if I were that calm, why then were my nails always bitten to the quick, and why was my leg always shaking? There had to be some sort of subconscious, compartmentalized angst buried so deep inside my brain, pulsating loud enough for my body to automatically fidget and bite. What was that angst?

It’s only been recently that I have noticed a sizeable diminishing of my nervous habits. And this is what really fascinates me. I am still unemployed. My husband’s job is on shaky grounds too. We’re not in a great position, financially, but we’re also not about to go homeless. For all intents and purposes, I should be far more worried and anxious right this very moment than I was years ago when we both had steady and stable jobs.

peaceful-copy-300x300But, I’m not and I don’t know why. I feel…happy about myself now. Better emotionally than I ever have. I keep growing more comfortable in my skin, more confident in who I am. I have developed some amazing friendships and a strong support system. I find something to smile about every day. I find joy in simple things. I am just more relaxed.

Maybe because I turned 50 last week and still look pretty undamaged. I am in relatively good health (except for typical female in her 50’s stuff). I am not feeling run down or run over, yet. I’ll keep that for my 80’s.

I wonder if my new pretty nails and silent feet are the result of a release from the stress of the cognitive dissonance I’ve carried (subconsciously, of course) for years? Maybe, by giving up on religion, I’ve unburdened myself of guilt, shame and judgment? Maybe I’ve just reached an age where I don’t feel I NEED to care so much about trivial things, and I’ve recognized and learned to appreciate what I do have? All fascinating and good points to ponder.

I have noticed one down side to having long, pretty nails: the upkeep is time-consuming. And having to choose what color of fun, funky polish can be very challenging! This week I went for aqua blue.

Nail-polish-color-trends

 

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Comments
  1. Doug Romig says:

    Good choice on the blue.

    Liked by 1 person

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