A Swing and Two Misses

Posted: November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

This is Part 5 in my series “Stories of the ER”

emergencyAs I’ve mentioned before, being an ER nurse in a busy hospital gives you the chance to see a lot of things you’d never seen before, let alone imagine come through  your doors at any time. This story is a retelling of one of those unexpected days when the scientific principles of gravity, mass and kinetic energy came together to wreak havoc in the name of love.

Hey there, Jeff Carson again. This time I want to tell the story of Todd, “Jasmine” and “Starr” (with two r’s). Well, this is more Todd’s story than it is the ladies’. They just had enough of a part in it to, well, set the evening in “full swing.” Perhaps I need to explain.

Now before anyone accuses me of being a prude when it comes to sex, I have to say that I tried a few things in my younger, early college years: a threesome with two hot Cuban chicks one night during spring break in Miami – which was pretty fucking awesome – they were wild and insatiable. I spent more time in my hotel room down there doing them both than actually time on the beach. Who cared about the ocean when I could swim between two hot Cuban sandwiches? You know what I mean guys, right?

And, my two roommates were Vietnamese med students who, in order to help pay for their schooling, worked part time at the local massage parlor – if you catch my drift. I did manage to come home early one day and just missed one of their customers sneaking out our rented two-story house. Apparently he was a well-known diplomat in DC and didn’t want anyone to see him. It was an election year after all.

Okay, I’m sounding a little douchey there. Sorry. I guess in a way I really miss those wilder, younger days. Being 44, single, and married to my job, I don’t have the time or energy I did when I was twenty-two.

Back to Todd, Jasmine and Starr. I was working the day shift – I had just switched up my schedule from nights to days. This happens a lot in nursing – shift switches – to keep the nurses from burning out too fast over the high volume of extreme cases that tend to happen more during the darkest  hours,  when partying is coming to a close and people are in a rush to hook up, or sober up or whatever form of “up” they do that brings them here. In Todd’s situation, it was a hook up, of sorts. The only difference was it happened during the early afternoon hours, mid week, when both his parents were busily working away at their individual jobs. Todd had the whole house to himself – a real step up from his normal habit of sequestering himself in his bedroom and waiting for his parents to come home and continue their unfortunate roles as caretakers for their son. You see, Todd was a big man. No, change that.Todd was a morbidly obese man who tipped the scales at well over 450 lbs.

Now before I get accused of fat shaming or making fun of the morbidly obese, I want everyone to know that I was once morbidly obese myself. Yes, by the end of my high school years, I weighed nearly 275 lbs. First year in nursing school — and finally on my own, I gained the typical Freshman twenty and almost topped out at 300 lbs. Let’s put this in proper perspective here. I was studying to become a healthcare professional. I was going to need to know how to shift and lift patients heavier than I was. I was going to have to tell those with Type 2 diabetes what they needed to eat and not eat in order to get off the insulin. Yet, here I was grossly overweight and finding it difficult to bend over and tie my own nursing shoes. Something had to give.

So, I spoke with the hospital’s nutritionist, began a regular exercise regime and worked the weight off slowly and safely. Within a year I had lost seventy five pounds. By the middle of my sophomore year of college, I was down to a very comfortable 190 pounds, where I’ve remained more or less steady for several years now. Trust me, I know the struggles of the morbidly obese, because I had been one of them.

But Todd was probably the largest man I’d ever seen come through our ER still alive. Usually the ones that arrive are either already in cardiac arrest, or have just passed from it. There is only so much the heart can handle before it quits. It truly is sad.

Todd’s situation, however, wasn’t heart related. Or, maybe it was? I’ll get to that later. I have to tell you first how Todd, who lived thirty five miles from DC in a suburb of Virginia, ended up here at GW. We typically don’t get patients transported from so far away, that when we hear a patient is being life-flighted in, we usually understand that to mean it is a special medical situation and gets triaged right into a bed. Based on the radio conversation back and forth between  us and the pilots, all I could understand was that a very morbidly obese man with numerous cuts and abrasions is heading our way and we needed to be prepared for some heavy lifting. It might be advisable to gather a team of six or so to help get him out of the helicopter.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Six strong men to lift him? How big was this guy? Oh well, I was about to find out as I heard the whir of the copter’s blades overhead and the beeping sound indicating its touch down was in process. I grabbed my light windbreaker, put it on and rushed out to greet the flight team, who were swinging the doors as wide open as possible. They greeted me with a subtle look of disgust – I’ve seen that look before, it’s the one that says “How do people let themselves get this fat? Gross!” The pilot ran over to me while the in-flight nurse was maneuvering the IV around so the patient would get it pinched in his skin.

“Heart attack? Stroke? What do we got here?” I leaned into the pilot, trying to get a quick glance of the patient. The pilot, gritting his teeth and trying to suppress a giggle so as not to embarrass the patient, said, “Sex swing accident with extenuating circumstances.” I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly, so I repeated it back to him, “Sex swing accident? Extenuating circumstances? What do you mean by “extenuating circumstances?” The pilot had to turn away from the patient’s view, because he wasn’t able to hold onto his giggles any longer. I was trying to remain as unaffected as possible, but when the pilot finished the story, I was too shocked by what I heard, I let out a big whistle, sounding like a tea kettle that was going off on the stove. “Seriously? Come on, you’re shitting me – really?” I gaped back at him. The pilot nodded his head and said, “Wait til you hear the whole story. It’s one you’ll be retelling for years.”

He was right. It took six of us to slide Todd’s banged and bruised body onto an oversized gurney and wheel it into the triage room. The poor guy was a mess. He was entirely naked except for a bed sheet that barely covered his bottom half, and he was scraped, bruised and scratched all over. He also smelled very strongly of alcohol. Wine to be exact. And based on the reddish hue of his skin, I’d say red wine.

“Hi, I’m Jeff, the head ER  nurse. You’re pretty banged up here, fella. What’s your name?” He told me his name was Todd. He lived in a small suburb of Virginia, and he was single. I could tell he was in a lot of pain from whatever he had done to earn a flight into see us, but his heart rythmm was fairly strong for a man his size. I wanted to give him some painkiller, but I had no idea what dosage he would need, so I had to get his weight first. “Todd, I’d like to give you some pain meds but I need to know — what’s your current weight?” Todd moaned and shifted uncomfortably on the bed. Well, he shifted as best he could for a man his size.  He raised one giant, sausage shaped hand to me and counted out “four” with his fingers. After some clever back and forth sign language, I was able to ascertain he was somewhere in the neighborhood of 450 pounds. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.

I started an IV drip, ran a series of typical tests – eyes, ears, nose, throat, heart beat. Other than the obvious signs of strain and stress, and all the physical injuries, Todd was in relatively good shape for a man of his enormous size. However, I was really curious about the circumstances of  his arrival. I wasn’t exactly sure how to bring it up, but I knew I had to get his story for his medical chart.  And due to the sensitive nature of the situation, I will probably have to choose my words very carefully so as not to embarrass the poor guy. From the looks of him already, and the fact he was found in the basement of his house,  bare naked and dripping in high priced wine, I suspected one helluva story.

And Todd delivered on that  after the pain meds began to take effect.

Apparently, Todd was a bit of a loner. He was twenty-eight, living in the back bedroom of his parents house. Because of his size, he was limited in what he could do physically, so he was unable to work and was declared officially disabled so he could get a small amount of SSI every month. He used this money to pay for food, pop and internet porn. You see, Todd was also very lonely. His weight had not only crippled him physically, but the depression from being so enormous caused him to retreat to a solitary life and therefore he never worked up the courage or the stamina to go outside, enjoy a beer or two at the pub down the street, or even try to find a social life. He spent every day just existing, until he accidentally stumbled upon several webcam porn sites. Suddenly, he had access to some of the hottest, most beautiful young ladies on the internet, showing him everything and doing whatever he told them to do.

Although Todd loved the attention, he desperately wanted to know what real sex felt like. He had no frame of reference as to what constituted a loving, mutually beneficial, satisfying sex life, so he quickly associated what he was watching on his computer as the kind of sex life he so desired. One late morning, after a particularly frustrating moment when his internet was choppy and he could no longer keep up with his World of Warcraft on line gaming buddies, Todd decided he wanted the “company” of some real life ladies to attend to his every needs. Knowing that his size and weight might hinder his performance, Todd decided he needed some help with some of the mechanics of the sex act. He loved to build things and knew it would make his parents happy to see their son doing more than just laying in bed watching the world go by. So, when Todd sent his dad up to the local hardware store with a long list of various bits and pieces of metal tubing, cabling, hooks, and an assortment of nuts and bolts, Todd’s mom was just overjoyed to know her son was about to make some “fancy thingamajig” for “some unknown reason.” She asked him what he was making, but Todd was too embarrassed to tell her the real answer so he lied and said “exercise equipment”. That made his mother very happy.

But, there was a major problem with Todd’s homemade equipment. He wasn’t an engineer, he had no idea exactly how much weight his machine could hold, or if it would even work right for what he intended to use it for. He was pretty much freestyling it to the best of his ability.

When Todd’s homemade “sex swing” was complete, he decided to test it out with a couple of ladies he met from Craigslist. He got a hold of Jasmine and Starr and invited them over in the afternoon, while his parents were both at work so he could enjoy his first sexual encounter in the absolute privacy of his own home. He had even managed to waddle out to the main living room of his parents’ very old Victorian home, with its original wood flooring still intact, but did manage to make the floor creak a few times during the journey.

He set up the swing in the middle of the room, lowered the drapes and waited for Jasmine and Starr to ring the doorbell. He was already semi-erect with anticipation when the girls arrived, each carrying what appeared to be a small, square suitcase. When they saw him there, half undressed already, a look of worry and excitement on his face, they gave each other a raised eyebrow and quick eye roll, signaling “This again? Okay, let’s get this over with..” They put their suitcases down, opened them up and each lady grabbed a toy from their supply – Jasmine a short whip and Starr a bottle of body glitter. Starr told Todd to finish undressing in the chair, and began pouring body glitter all over Jasmine’s breasts. Jasmine kept using the whip to smack Starr’s hands away. All  in all, it was very sensual and titillating and Todd was beginning to huff and  puff. The two ladies spent the first ten minutes of Todd’s hour of prepaid ecstasy just teasing and taunting each other while Todd just watched and gaped and became more and more aroused. Finally, Todd begged for the ladies to pay him some attention – to use some of their toys on him and make him “scream for mercy” as he described it to me. The ladies were more than happy to make Todd’s wishes a reality.

“I made  a swing ladies..” Todd offered, showing them his homemade, never before sat in,  “sex swing”. Of course they oohed and ahhed, and said whatever they had to say to make him happy. So, they each offered to sit in his swing – Jasmine went first, and it was a little rocky and unsteady, but it did seem to have some swing like characteristics to it. After she hopped off, Starr gave it a quick ride too, emphasizing how easy his homemade device made her legs spread wide apart.

By this time, Todd was beyond aroused. He was drooling and slobbering all over himself, wanting so badly to be fondled, caressed and used by the ladies. He pulled himself up off the couch and maneuvered himself into his homemade contraption. When his entire weight was in, he felt just a slight bend of the metal piping crossbars. He assumed that was normal, so he just swung loosely in the chair, waiting for everything to settle. And that’s when the series of unfortunate events began to occur, which landed Todd in the ER and the ladies out the rest of their three hundred dollars, which came from the very last of Todd’s saved up disability benefits for the month.

While Todd was in the chair, writhing in increasing sexual ecstasy, the girls were busy doing things to him that would seem pretty debasing. They used paddles, a whip, a spatula and wooden spoon, and what finally did get Todd to the absolute pinnacle of the strongest, most violent orgasm he will probably ever experience in his life – an inflatable dildo shoved up his ass then blown up.

He didn’t know what the ladies had just done to him, but his body rocked with convulsions. He kicked his feet and shook his arms so violently, that the sound of the swing’s fabric shredding, the metal tubing finally giving away, and the wooden floor snapped under him, hurtling him down to the cellar below — and right on top of his parents’ $50,000 wine collection, shattering every single bottle of it into a million shards of glass. Wine splashed and poured out everywhere – covering his now nude body in a lovely reddish-purplish hue.

Todd was still convulsing and ejaculating as he hit the cellar floor with a gigantic, deafening thud. He couldn’t seem to convince his body to stop shaking long enough to assess what had just happened to his parents’ prized wine collection. He was still caught  up in the afterglow of sexual satiation. As much as he needed to get out of his situation, his quaking body wouldn’t let him. So, he laid there for several moments, sputtering and moaning, until he could get himself together.

Meanwhile, Jasmine and Starr were still upstairs, on the main floor of the house, frozen in disbelief. They could see Todd below, resting atop a pile of shattered glass and – was that blood? no, wine- just moaning and shaking as what they thought was semen dribbled down his enormous inner thigh. They weren’t sure what to do, so they quickly packed up their sex toy suitcases and made a beeline for the front door. However, once the shock wore off, Jasmine did manage to work a phone call into 911 before the cab they had arranged for arrived. They might have been Dominatrixes, but at least they were humanitarian Dominatrixes.

If you think the story ends there, with the 911 call, you’d be entirely wrong. Todd’s accidental descent into his parents’ cellar and atop a now worthless wine collection was only half of the problem. Getting Todd up and out of the cellar was an entirely new problem the fire department had just been given.

In Todd’s present condition and location, it would have been very dangerous for him to move. Fortunately, his extra layers of fat shielded his bones from the impact and he didn’t break any of them. He also fell in such a way that fire and rescue didn’t suspect a head injury. The problem they did face, however, was complicated: how were they going to get Todd out of the basement and into the ambulance?

Because of his enormous size, Todd was deemed a “critical patient”. While they didn’t tell him as such, they were worried all the additional stress and trauma might cause a heart attack. And, without being totally able to assess his injuries, they were also worried the jostling of the ambulance ride to GW could be too much for him to bear. They decided his situation called for LifeFlight – the helicopter that serves as an ambulance to take critical cases to hospitals faster and without worry of traffic delays. The rescue squad called for LifeFlight as they tried to figure out how to get Todd safely out of the basement.

Fortunately, the old house had a cellar door that swung up and out, locking from the inside so nobody could break into the house. While the firefighters fashioned a makeshift bed out of some old bedsheets they found in a box in the corner of the cellar, the police had arrived to investigate the neighbors’ claim of a huge noise coming from inside the house.  They were worried someone had broken into the house and, knowing Todd was partially immobile, wanted the police to come by and check on him.

Once the police officers spoke with the firefighters, they dispatched to go out onto the street and clear a landing area for the helicopter. Of course this got the neighbors’ attention, and soon the street was filled with all sorts of rubberneckers trying to get a glimpse of everything going on inside the home.

Todd, adrenaline and endorphins finally wearing off, began to thrash and panic at the sight all around him. He tried to stand up among the shards of glass to better assess the damage, but the firefighters pinned him down and rolled him carefully onto the makeshift gurney trying to prevent  him from cutting himself even further. His back was covered with little pieces of embedded glass. To help ease the pain he must have been experiencing they told him to lie down on his stomach. Once he was positioned, the firefighters hoisted him up and squeezed him through the side cellar door and up into fresh, chilly air, ass cheeks up.

And, as a last insult to this grown man who had only desired to experience the pleasures of the flesh but instead ended up bruised, battered and bloodied – the firefighters spotted something white dangling between Todd’s enormous ass cheeks. It was the dildo, entirely flattened, but still in place.

All the firefighters could say was, “How did that thing get up in there?”


  1. stephanielynn75 says:

    wow..!! lol I have no words right now.


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