Posts Tagged ‘dogs’

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I hopped over to CNN to read the latest news stories about the encroaching Ebola crisis (it’s here, there’s fear, get used to it) when I clicked on this story: http://www.cnn.com/2014/11/01/us/alabama-dog-drug-bust/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Reading with glee about a dog that totally narc’d out his owner by taking the police directly to the meth lab then subsequently leading them to the owner hiding in tall grass, I had a sudden, magnificently brilliant idea pop into my mind: a technologically engineered canine crime fighter app.

Allow me to explain.

Dogs1Think of all the dogs in this country that are currently owned by drug dealers and general criminal types. Some of the dogs — especially the stronger, sturdier dogs like the rottweilers and pit bulls — are purposefully trained to bark, growl and lunge at anyone who comes within a hundred  yards of their owner’s drug stash and/or meth lab. Rarely does a chihuahua or a beagle ever intimidate officers into backing away from their duty.

One time, after we had experienced an attempted break in of our home, we asked the police officer who came by to file a report what his recommendation was for improving our security. He asked, “Do you have a dog?” only seconds before spotting our male beagle sleeping soundly on the couch. He quickly corrected himself and said, “You might want to get a German Shepherd next time.” Needless to say, my husband’s masculinity was slightly dinged. My beagle’s, however, was not as evidenced by his total indifference to the police officer’s presence in our home. That, and his sudden interest in licking his own genitals.

Back to the canine crime fighting companion app. It’s really simple. Create an app that can be downloaded to all police and law enforcement officers’ SmartPhones or Droids. With a simple push of the button, the app will send a signal to the microchip that was mandatorily inserted under the dog’s skin upon adoption/purchase/acquiring. The app would have several functional buttons to it: barking/growling cessation, sit/down/stay and the most efficient one – search and find illegal contraband.

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With the technology implanted harmlessly under the dog’s skin, nothing adverse would  happen to the dog other than a slight pause as the dog is given his or her commands. However, the criminals would be caught entirely off guard when their beloved Fido (ironically, that name means faithful) turns against them and leads the police officers directly to the illegal evidence, tail wagging happily, mouth curved up into that wonderful “Look what I did, aren’t ya proud?!” canine toothy smile. Think “robo-cop” meets Rin Tin Tin. What a crime fighting duo they would become — and all by using the criminals’ own dogs against them!

I wish I had the engineering brilliance to design the technology for this app. I could make millions. Or, I might adversely start a new trend: fewer dog adoptions.

Hmm, I might need to think this one through a little better.

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The following is the daily morning conversation that occurs between Lilly, my beagle, and me:

Lilly: (stretching) Ooooh, okay, I guess I’ll get up now

Mom: Did you pee on the carpet during the night?

Lilly: Um…maybe? I don’t remember, I was sleepy

Mom: (checks carpeting) Well, I don’t see anything this time, good – Now, out

Lilly: Okayyy…(goes out)

Ten seconds later:

Lilly: Let me in!

Mom: You just went out there!

Lilly: Yes, and now I’m back in here

Mom: Did you go potty?

Lilly: Um…maybe? I don’t remember, I was too busy sniffing things. Is my food in its bowl yet?

Mom: I haven’t even had my coffee yet..

Lilly: That’s really not my problem, is it now?

Mom: Thanks for your concern, really

Lilly: Is my food in its bowl yet?

Mom: NO. Give me a second, okay?

Lilly: I want out. Let me out.

Mom: But….what about your food —

Lilly: Oh, that. I wasn’t planning on eating. I just wanted to make sure it was in the bowl in case, ya know, I get hungry later. Now, I want out.

Mom: Of course you do

Lilly: I still don’t see my food in my bowl

A typical afternoon conversation between Lilly and me:

Lilly: I want out. Let me out. I want out. Out, out, out. OUT!

Mom: AGAIN? You just came inside!

Lilly: Yes, but there weren’t any squirrels out there last time I checked. I have to check again.

Mom: One minute later, and you think there are now squirrels outside? Really?

Lilly: Okay, maybe not squirrels. Birds. I bet there are birds out there instead. Let me out.

Mom: You like to chase birds too?

Lilly: Naw, just like to bark at them. A lot.

Mom: Yes, I can hear you from inside the house.

Lilly: It’s what I do, and do well.

Mom: It annoys the neighbors, you know.

Lilly: Freedom of speech, baby. I bark whatever I want, whenever I want. Soooo, can I go out?

Mom: Are you going to bark?

Lilly: Lady, if there are things outside that will make me start barking, I will bark regardless of the location. It’s what I do. I’m a beagle.

Mom: Go outside then.

Lilly: Okay. But I’ll be back in shortly.I have a nap scheduled for 1:30. Save a spot on the couch for me, k? Thanks, babe – love you!

Mom: Dammit, you’re doing that “I’m so cute” thing again. You know I can’t resist.

Lilly: (runs out the door muttering under breath) Heh, heh, heh…sucker

This is our daily evening conversation:

Lilly: Nap’s over. Time to go back out.

Mom: Let yourself out- I left the door slightly ajar

Lilly: Okay, thanks. See ya..

Two minutes later…

Lilly: I want back in…

Mom: SERIOUSLY, WTF DOG!!!

Lilly: I’m hungry…Is my food in its bowl yet?

Mom: You’re killing me here, dog

Lilly: Aw,  you KNOW you love me

Mom: Dammit

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